she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
