You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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