Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
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