just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
