You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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