I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I'm getting married
To pizza
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
