she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
She's the barista slut.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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