also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
