Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Randomize
