Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize