My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
