was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
We were destined to go to rehab together
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Randomize
