I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
