I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize