i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
