I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
