if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
