my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I deserve this hangover.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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