Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
