I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
