she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize
