He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
