alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
