Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
it's like heaven, but drunker
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
