Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
