I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Randomize
