Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
