Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
