the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
