Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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