Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
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