i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
