ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
