When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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