Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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