i would punch a child for taco bell
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
50% drunk capacity currently
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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