It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Randomize
