I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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