he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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