rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
