I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Randomize
