We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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