I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
Why is your signature on my underwear?
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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