Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
