I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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