No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
