I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
