i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
