you traded sex for a burrito?
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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