even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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