I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Randomize
