Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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