God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
