Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
How does it feel to date your dad?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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